“You’re the voice, try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear.” – J Farnham
Recently there has been a lot of back and forth about the ban on traveling with laptops in our carry on bags. People are screaming that carrying laptops and iPads is part of their inalienable rights. That the Wright Brothers intended man to travel with personal electronics and no one has the right to take this Wright right away.
Seriously? I think all one has to do is look up to the stars to realize just how insignificant we really are and how these things are so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things – but luckily the smog these days keeps the stars at bay…and we continue to think we are the reason for everything.
Kher, I was recently asked to participate in an MUN debate about the ban – and my task was to be the Delegate of US. It was my job to drop any personal views I may have and defend the ban from a logical standpoint. Clearly, the organizers had not done their homework and thought I was going to use logic as a crutch to present my argument. Cute.
Here is what I presented to the attendees.
Let me start by thanking Mun for inviting to this important event. I have been advised to refer to myself in the third person, as the Delegate of US. Pretty much like Elmo. In any case, an apology is required as the Delegate of US was unable to conduct research for this debate. The reason is that the Delegate of US…wait…this is a real mouthful. Hereinafter, please refer to the Delegate of US by the formal MUN acronym, DofUS (pron. doofus). Yes, so DofUS was traveling last week and was supposed to work on this debate but the airline insisted on taking away DofUS’ laptop. It was about some new rule that was being enforced. Obviously, DofUS did not know much about this and could not research the topic.
In any case, people may tell you that the laptop rule is there to reduce the chances of terrorism. If true, there is no point in discussing this as none of you have the necessary clearance to talk about the actionable intelligence that went into the justification of this ban.
Now that DofUS and other Dofii are here, we might as well talk about some other reasons that may have been at play for this ruling. These are reasons so uncomfortable that no one is willing to talk about…it takes a real DofUS to discuss these:
- Saving $ and creating jobs. In a recent study done by the BiGG4 (not to be confused with the Big4 accounting firms) – the Bigg4 is an alternate research firm that looks at hot issues and comes up with completely made up numbers. In any case, the study showed that firms spend $97 million every year in upgrading their managers from economy to business class so that they can work on projects. By banning laptops and iPads, US companies will save enough money to pay the salaries for either 4.2 CEOs or 1,204.4 entry level employees.
- Supporting the movie industry: A recent poll showed that people working on their machines on a flight are less likely to watch the inflight movies. Instead these people are 84% more likely to go home and illegally stream these movies and shows. As a result, the MPAA lobbied hard with the US Government and convinced them to enforce this rule to help reduce movie piracy.
- Fight Procrastination: The US suffers $2.3 billion every year in lost productivity due to managerial procrastination. A very random survey of business class travelers showed that 93% of all laptops users are really pretending to be working to (1) justify the upgrade to Business Class and (2) look cool. The remaining 7% are actually working on projects that they needed to complete before the flight but they could not due to procrastination. This is an effort to heal the people and increase productivity.
- Wealth Redistribution: Now that airport staff knows that most travelers will be storing their electronics in their checked in luggage with those $3 locks, we expect the baggage marked with Business Class tags to be targeted for goodies. This is an indirect form of taxation to help with the Government’s mission of wealth redistribution.
DofUS hopes that all of you have a better idea of the thinking behind this ban and it is expected that all DofII will support the ban in a bigly way. DofUS has been told this is a tremendous ban and all the people support it making it the biggest ban in the history of the world.
In the end, DofUS would like to give you a heads up that the government is now looking into the threat posed by the underwear bomber. Travel responsibly!
Needless to say, these facts were received with complete disbelief but that is ok – it will take time for the new abnormal to set in and soon people will learn to adjust to it…like they did to the regulations about 100 ml or less liquid containers in carry on bags. Man is very flexible and learns to accept inconveniences…albeit with some grumbling…
But given all the hard made-up facts I mentioned, the next time you are traveling and do not have your laptop or iPad with you…consider yourself helping the average man and the below average man-ager (aka banker)…it is the least you can do by not doing it…
“Won’t you help to sing these songs of freedom? ‘Cause all I ever have, Redemption song” – B Marley